An Open Letter to My Number One Fan

To the person who always know what to do how ever difficult the situation is, to the person who never ceased to believe in me despite my shortcomings and defects, to the person who always makes me see the good out of the bad, to the person who drives me, inspires me to achieve and to do better, to the person who never lived a day without being proud of me…
It has been three months. Three months without you.

The first month felt like nothing happened. The house still felt like a home. It was as if you just did the groceries or you just went out to see a client. It felt like at the end of the day, I’d still see you. At the end of the day, I’d still be able to talk to you. At the end of the day, I’d still be able to hug you and to kiss you and to tell you stories about how my day went.
The next day after we went home from the crematorium, your youngest sister visited us at home. She asked me, “Where’s your mom?” I stared at her for a few seconds; I didn’t know how to respond. Then I realized she was not asking where you are. She was asking where your urn is. Wake up call number one.
The second month was a blur. I know it was filled with problems, worries, and fears, but I cannot remember how I was, how everyone around me was. The second month was all blank.
By the third month, the house started to feel empty and cold. With the unfamiliar embrace of sadness, I realized how lost I have become. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what will make me feel better. I hate talking to people. I hate being with people. I don’t want to go anywhere. I want to quit everything. I can’t find the drive to achieve. All positive energy seems to have been vacuumed out of my system and my reasoning faculty has become dysfunctional.
Now, the holiday season’s here and I’m starting to hate it too. It’ll be the first one without you; the first one when I’ll be reminiscing the memories we’ve made rather than creating new ones.
Mom, it’s so sad. I’m lost, empty and everything in between. I’m in so much pain, and I need you so bad right now. I feel so weak. I need you here beside me. Hug me. I want to rest in your arms after months of crying.
I do not know how to end this letter as I still have a lot of things to say to you, but I guess I’d keep the those between the two of us. Please visit me in my dreams, mom. I miss you so much.

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An Open Letter to Mr. (Pseudo)Gentleman

27 December 2014

Dear OOMF, 

I don’t know what happened to you (or did it happen? Did something really change or was she just another victim of your acts?), but damn you are such a liar and a cheater and everything else in between. Your mind is so unstable, and at your age that is such a turn off. You don’t know what you want, and you cannot even stand by the things you said — the things you promised.

You are such a liar.

You told her you’re one-of-a-kind, and you’re not a boy who doesn’t know how to man up. You told her your standards of what is right and what is wrong, your principles and your values, and you told her you’ll stick by those no matter what. You made her feel you’re a man of your words. You acted like the most gentle and most genuine. You showed her the love and the care she’s yearning for. 

But you were such a show-off. Everything was just an act — an act to win whatever it is you want from her and to feed your Satanic ego. You took her by her weakness.

You are such a cheater.

You are not in a relationship with anyone, but you’re crossing two rivers at once by acting as a boyfriend for both. Yeah, labels suck. Just because you guys don’t label yourselves as “being in a relationship” doesn’t mean you can play with their feelings. You tell her you love her at the same time sending kisses to the other. You are not even good-looking and/or appealing to have that kind of attitude. What the hell is wrong with you. Did something happen in the past that you’re trying to collect hearts? Maybe you’ve got that stupid middle child syndrome. Weren’t you given enough attention and love that you’re craving for more than what you deserve right now? Yes, more than what you deserve because by your acts, I don’t think you deserve love and care from a significant other (SO) — or in your case, significant others. Oh. I remember. You once confessed you’ve got an incredibly low self-esteem. Maybe you’re using your SOs to boost that crappy self-esteem of yours. What kind of person are you? You wanna feel good about yourself by hurting others? Come on. Pathetic.

Go ahead and deny. You’re not the man everyone else is thinking. Lucky you; only a few people know about your shit. But hey, I exist so I don’t think that after this post, the head count of people who know about your shitty whereabouts will remain the same. You’re not the person whom she thought you to be, whom she’s proud of. It’s actually kind of a shame for her to be proud of you. You’re nothing but a grain in the sand. You’re still the good old loser you originally were.

An Open Letter to the Person I Never Expected

06 July 2014

Hi. It’s 04:26 in the morning and I am here writing you a letter. You may find this letter-writing thing bizarre, but I’m writing this anyway.

As much as I want to tell you these things in person, I am not a good speaker; not that I’m a good writer, but I think I’m better in writing than in speaking. Shall I begin?

Trying to break the wall, you managed to plant a hole in it. It felt queer when the light from outside first bled through the hole but as the days went by, the heat of the light became a familiar feeling — it wasn’t burning; it was comforting. You must be a blessing.

Thank you for carrying my excess baggage with me. It isn’t easy to be with someone who seems to have lost hope. It isn’t easy to lift someone who’s very dragging, someone who seems to have forgotten how easier it is to walk forward than to run backwards. It isn’t easy to make someone who chose to fake smiles put on a genuine and innocent curve on the face. It isn’t easy to be with me, but you stayed. It isn’t easy to lift me, but you carried me like I am weightless. It isn’t easy to loosen my strings, but you managed to make me wear the smile I hid for years.

Thank you for taking things slow – slower, even. When I told you I’m not yet in for something deeper and more serious, you said you’d wait ’till I’m ready. You said you don’t care how long it takes for me to put myself together because no matter how long it takes, you’ll wait for me. When I told you I’m scared, you held my hand tight and told me, “It’s okay; I’m with you.”

Thank you for singing, “But I could be the guy to heal it over time, and I won’t stop until you believe me ‘cause baby, you’re worth it” after every time I sing, “People make promises all the time, then they turn right around and break them. When someone cuts your heart open with a knife and you’re bleeding.”

Thank you for showing me how a real gentleman should be, for showing me the right way how men should treat women. Thank you for helping me earn back the self-respect I lost. Thank you for making me feel my worth again, for pulling me up from the quicksand of poor self-esteem that I made and got myself into.

I can’t put my walls down… not yet, but one thing’s for sure: I want to spend more tomorrows with you.

An Open Letter to the Person Who “Never Ceased to Love Me”

Hi. I know you are a fan of always going zigzag before hitting the target, but I’m sorry; I won’t do this your way.

I never expected that this would happen again — you sending me a message, telling me you never had ill intentions, and actually trying to make me believe how much you still love me. I felt your frustration whenever you read my cold, heartless replies. (If it bothers you… I am not happy that you are frustrated; I don’t feel anything actually.) It seemed to me that you’re expecting me to take a bite of your sandwich. Really. After all you did, you expect me to believe you? Oh. Wait. You didn’t know what you did? Come on. You ditched me, remember? Yes. You. Not me. You. Ditched. Me.

I do not know why you’re suddenly trying to insert yourself again in my life but one thing’s for sure: we can never go back to the way we used to be. Don’t worry, my dear; I have already forgiven you, myself, us. It’s just that you and me are parallel lines now — we can go on and on and on trying to establish a relationship but we can never arrive or meet at the same point. We are over. What’s done is done. Let go. I am happy where I am now and I hope that you are too.

Without wax,

The woman who used to care for your happiness more than hers

PS

Stop being an asshole; start being a man, being a better version of yourself.

An Open Letter To My Future Daughter On Her 18th Birthday

I don’t really know how to start writing this letter. Why? Because you’re not even in this world yet. Yeah. Your mom’s weird — writing a letter to somebody not born yet or to somebody who has a possibility of not even existing. Who knows, right? I’m 21 but today, I will try to talk as if I am old enough to be an eighteen-year-old-young-lady’s mother.

Oh honey, look at you. You’re all grown-up now. I know how long you have waited for this. I really do not get the thing about 18th birthdays. I don’t know why most girls look forward to that day of their lives. Honestly, when I was 17, I wasn’t looking forward the of my 18th birthday; I was actually looking forward to the day of my college graduation. If you’ll ask me how did I celebrate my 18th, well, I celebrated it with my family and close friends at our house. It was a simple celebration. I do not know how you will be celebrating your 18th but for sure, I’ll make you feel extra special on that day.

Now let’s go to the part where I tell you why I wrote this letter. I just want to share things I have learned in my twenty-one years of existence. I know I’m not old enough to preach something about what I learned from experiences because I’m too young for that but I believe the things written below are more than enough for you at this point in your life. Let’s get started!

  1. Man’s ultimate goal is to achieve genuine happiness. That’s according to Aristotle. I’ll leave the explanation part to your Philosophy professor. I believe at this time, you have already read Desiderata by Max Ehrmann. What do the last two lines say? I’ll help you remember; “Be cheerful; strive to be happy.”
  2. I don’t own you; the world owns you. I know there will come a time that I have to let you go and submit you to this world. I don’t know how to explain further. If you can’t understand now, you’ll understand soon.
  3. Live your dream. Dreams always are about success and happiness.
  4. You don’t really need a guy to be complete. A man should be complementing; not supplementing. Always remember that before engaging in a relationship, you have to feel complete first.
  5. Focus on today; the past is gone and the future isn’t here yet. Worrying about the past and the future will take you nowhere. Focus on what’s in front of you now. Use the past as a guide and the future as an inspiration.
  6. Follow your heart. Your heart will take you to places — happy places.
  7. Apply these two contradicting statements in your life: take risks and when in doubt, don’t do it. Confusing, right? But you’ll know when to use each of the statements. Use your instinct and your common sense.
  8. God will never forsake you. Whatever happens always keep you faith and trust in Him and everything will fall on its proper place.
  9. It’s better than to be hurt than to hurt.
  10. It will always be too soon to quit. Losers become losers because they quit. You’re a champion in every single way,honey. Keep on trying and you’ll get there sooner than you expected.
  11. Walk on and own the road not taken. Make a difference.
  12. Martin Luther’s predestination thing isn’t true. You are the master of your fate, the captain of your soul.
  13. If in the future, you think you need to take revenge on someone, do it in the best way possible. How? Be successful and become the best version of yourself.
  14. Never engage in a relationship with someone who doesn’t fear God and who doesn’t love God more than you. Yes, you read that right. The man who is worthy enough of your heart is someone who loves God more than you, more than anything, anyone else.
  15. Before others and after our Lord, love yourself.
  16. Achieve greatness rather than fame.
  17. Do not rush things. Patience is a virtue.
  18. You only have one life to live; make the most out of it. Be wise and live it without regrets.

Done! Enjoy your day, honey! I know you might hate it but… smooches from mom!

Grabbed from the Internet

Grabbed from the Internet

PS

I wonder how many R-18 parties have you attended before this date. Oh well, that doesn’t matter. Mom started drinking at 13 and partying at 16. High school’s not high school without booze, music and dance!

An Open Letter to UST and DLSU Supporters

I just browsed my Facebook News Feed and I regretted doing it. I saw posts of La Sallians and Thomasians fighting over the internet, bashing each other, comparing who’s better in whatever aspect they can think of committing logical fallacies such as ad hominem and name-calling. What is happening, people? What is wrong? UAAP is not there to create unhealthy rivalry between the universities. Why don’t we all just enjoy the game and respect both teams? Anyway, both teams reached the finals for a reason — they were both good, great. Doon pa lang, panalo na pareho eh. Hash tag DLSUST nga, di ba? Friendly fight. Let go of all the bitterness. Both teams have intense hunger for the trophy but I don’t think there is a need for online cat fights and bitch fits. Why not cheer na lang for our teams? Both teams need a solid support from their corresponding communities.

I am an alumna of the University of Santo Tomas. I should have typed, “proud” Thomasian alumna but in this situation, it’s quite embarrassing to claim that because I am definitely not proud hearing and reading below the belt comments coming from Thomasian mouths. UAAP fans, I know we are all excited on how this Saturday’s game will turn out but I don’t think it’s proper to exchange negative things before and even after the game. Let us all be better persons, better supporters. Oh, and please, cursing the other doesn’t make you the better person.

Praying for a clean and healthy competition on the 12th. My sincerest congratulations to whoever wins the game on Saturday.

1cbf1-imageDisclaimer: Edited a photo grabbed from the Internet. Original photo here.

You never let me fall.

As what number fifty-three says, I don’t usually show my parents how much I love them. They always see me as someone who’s stone-hearted maybe because I just really am or maybe because I’m afraid showing the soft side of me will make me appear weak in their eyes.

One day on my way to work, Celine Dion’s Because You Loved Me was being played on the radio. I’m not a fan of Celine Dion but due to boredom, I intentionally listened to the song, digesting every word as it is sung. To my surprise, I found myself teary-eyed (Actually, I was about to cry but I realized I’m in a public utility vehicle!) and thinking of my parents.

If I could just sing well, I will dedicate this song to my parents. I have said in my previous post that my parents are very supportive of me. I may have to edit that post because my parents do not support my lovely singing voice. Oh, if you could just hear how good I am at singing! Not.

For all those times you stood by me

For all the truth that you made me see

For all the joy you brought to my life

For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true

For all the love I found in you

I’ll be forever thankful, baby
You’re the one who held me up

Never let me fall

You’re the one who saw me through

Through it all
You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn’t speak

You were my eyes when I couldn’t see

You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach

You gave me faith ’cause you believed

I’m everything I am

Because you loved me, ooh, baby
You gave me wings and made me fly

You touched my hand I could touch the sky

I lost my faith, you gave it back to me

You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall

I had your love, I had it all

I’m grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe, I don’t know that much

But I know this much is true

I was blessed because

I was loved by you
You were always there for me, the tender wind that carried me

The light in the dark shining your love into my life

You’ve been my inspiration through the lies you were the truth

I’m everything I am

Because you loved me

I don’t know if my parents will be able to read this because I don’t have plans of sharing this to their Facebook wall. I’m not also sure if I want this post to be read by them because.. uh.. I don’t know. I’m ambivalent.

If there’s any chance that my parents will be reading this, “Hey Mom! Hey Dad! I love you! More than you’ll ever know.”