Broken Hearts

I know you’ve lost someone and it hurts. You may have lost them suddenly, unexpectedly. Or perhaps you began losing pieces of them until one day, there was nothing left. You may have known them all your life or you may have barely known them at all. Either way, it is irrelevant—you cannot control the depth of a wound another inflicts upon you.Which is why I am not here to tell you tomorrow will be a new day. That the sun will go on shining. Or there are plenty of fish in the sea. What I will tell you is this; it’s okay to be hurting as much as you are. What you are feeling is not only completely valid but necessary—because it makes you so much more human. And though I can’t promise it will get better any time soon, I can tell you that it will—eventually. For now, all you can do is take your time. Take all the time you need.

– Lullabies, Lang Leav

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On the Other Side of Fear

Hi. After a long time, it’s me again. I haven’t been really active this year as my last post was six months ago. I wasn’t able to write anything for half a year! That’s sad. I don’t really know why I didn’t write as much as I did the previous years. Maybe I’m a little too busy or maybe I’m not motivated or maybe I’m just making excuses.

Anyway, as a blog tradition, I’m posting an end-of-year-slash-kick-off post. Yeah; you read that right — just like parties. *wink* I ended 2012 with a to-do list and 2013 with a gratitude list. This year’s will be a usual paragraph-style post.

2014 has been a roller coaster of emotions and events for me — starting the year with my mom in the hospital, discovering how fast her illness has progressed, getting interviewed and hired for a new job, meeting new friends, creating new connections, falling in love, reuniting with my best friendstravelling, receiving a really nice end-of-year performance rating at work, getting lost and broken and lost again, and dealing with the ever-so-shitty quarter life crisis. It’s quite a jam-packed year.

I did a lot of things — old and new — but I still feel the lack of contentment and happiness. Pondering through the last two weeks of the year, I realized I’m doing something wrong. I started building my world (again) in the most comfortable place possible. I worked in the depths of my comfort zone, and when that comfort zone started to fall apart, I did all the efforts (actually still doing) to keep it standing. Instead of trying to walk on my own, I clung to my comfort zone too much that it started breaking me and making me lose myself. You can go ahead and give me a nuchal blow, but (sigh) I did it because I’m scared. I’m too scared to lose whatever I have because for me, that’s the best I’ve ever had so far.

As my brain is floating on a not so good space, making me feel lost in the past few weeks, I had to converse with someone whom I know has a broader perspective of things. This friend of mine’s too consistent in helping me understand what I’m going through and what stupid things I’m doing to keep up with these really adverse events (Oops. That sounded a little too serious). I’m too hard-headed that my mind repels what this friend’s saying, but this friend… This friend is right. Everything that I want, and need in this context, is right outside my broken, messed up and bullshit comfort zone. Everything is on the other side of fear.

I know this is (or will be) a life-changing realization, but I have yet to accept and to prepare myself for this huge step. It isn’t easy, but I will try my best for I am damn tired of crying and of hurting and of always being on the losing end. (Or am I really?)

May this year be a really better year for me and for everyone who’s with me right now, reading this post. Happy 2015, dear reader!

Look Up

“We are a generation of idiots: smartphones and dumb people. Look up from your phone, shut down those displays. Stop watching this video; live life the real way.” — Gary Turk

I have a few friends whom I’m always with, but I never really had the chance to know them deeper and to establish a better, stronger connection with them; they’re always on their phones, checking for notifications, posting photos and answering “What’s on your mind?” and ” What’s happening?” I really want to snatch their phones and tell them, “Hey, can we at least talk and be really with each other and not just with each other because we’re in the same space?” Sigh.

This is the main reason why I seldom use my phone when I’m bonding with friends, when I’m eating dinner with my family and when I’m exploring a new community. I’m guilty; I’m sometimes a part of the smartphones-dumb-people population but I try as much as possible to forget about social media when I’m spending time with real people. I want to remember the experience and not just capture the moment. I want to let the people I’m with know and feel that I want to be with them and not just so I can have something to post online. I’m a people person — I deeply value relationships.

Now who’s up for a catch up date with me?

 

Nobody: Less is More

What would you suggest to attain contentment?

This was taken from a stack of ice breaker question cards. Reading this, I found myself answering the question by asking myself more questions — At this point in my life, what makes me feel contented? Am I already contented? Do I know exactly what will make me feel contented? Is contentment a temporary feeling or is it something eternal?

As this is an ice breaker question, I needed to give out an answer right away. I’m not good in answering impromptu questions like this, (Aside from my height, this is one of the reasons why I cannot join a pageant. Haha!) so I’ll redeem myself here.

Aside from the pile of questions, the next and only thing that popped in my mind is the line from Jennifer Lynn Barnes’s book, Nobody: “But maybe, to be more, you have to give up trying to be anything at all.” Less is more. We all want to have more than what we have and to be more than who we are right now. We always think that having and being more — shopping, being promoted at work, closing big deals, being elected as the club’s president, winning the best (insert title here) award, et cetera — will make us feel contented. I beg to disagree. I think that, maybe, one should let go of his earthly, needless desires. We need to learn to define our needs — our true needs. We must learn to draw a thick line between needs and true needs and a thicker line between needs and wants. By doing so, we can see and focus on what really will make us feel the perpetual contentment and ingenuous happiness we’ve always yearned for.

14 Things I’m Thankful For

I ended last year with a to-do list and I am very happy to let you know I’ve ticked all the check boxes on that to-do list! Yay for me!

I want to end this year not with another to-do list (because I want pretty much the same things) but with a list of little things I’m thankful for. 2013 hasn’t been really great; I just want to end it on a positive note.

  1. Mom. Despite every thing that’s happening to her, she never failed to be a mom to me and to my brother. She really is one of the strongest persons I have ever known.
  2. Medium complexion. I don’t get why people laugh at me because of my skin color. Yes, at my age, people around me still tease me — people older than me, actually. I am happy with my complexion and I’m proud of it. I’m not doing anything to lighten it. I’m not a fan of today’s society’s standards of beauty.
  3. Friends. Because they’re there when I don’t need them, when all I want is just to sit down and to have parallel play. I believe that’s a wonderful thing. Being with your friend while reading a book or playing a single-player game on your iPad is so much different compared to doing it beside a stranger.
  4. Location of our house. Our house is located in the not-so-metro part of Metro Manila. We’re actually closer to Bulacan than to Manila. It gives me so much hassle going to and from places in Manila but I’m still thankful because we’re not on the fault line and we didn’t experience the floods caused by the major typhoons that hit the Philippines these past few years.
  5. Spiritual Inspiration on Tumblr. That blog just gives me so much hope and well, of course, inspiration.
  6. Dad. I think it’s really not easy to be the one whom people depend on. He’s amazing. He’s a hero. Plus he gave me my asset — my cleft chin. *wink*
  7. Books. Why did I ever deny myself of books when I was younger? Books are like really magical. They take you to places you’ve never been or probably, wonderful places you’ll never see.
  8. That nice jeepney driver. Here’s the story: I rode the jeep with my friend. We took the front seats. While we we’re enjoying the breeze on our faces, a woman suddenly crossed the street. Earphones in her ears while looking at her phone’s screen so she didn’t notice the jeep approaching. The nice jeepney driver hit the brakes while holding my left arm, acting like a seat belt. Impact was hard that my face could have hit the windshield. End of story. Thanks to Mister Driver for saving the windshield from my sweaty face. Or I guess for saving my face from the hard glass.
  9. Big nails. I just feel like I’m getting more than what I paid for whenever I go to the salon and have my nails done — bigger nails = using more nail polish, paying the same amount. I know this is funny and shallow. Haha.
  10. Benhur Luy. Or to whoever is responsible for bringing Janet Lim-Napoles’s secrets out of the closet.
  11. Drive to a healthy diet. This drive is not really easy to maintain especially when pizza, bacon, ice cream and chocolate start to use their powers to seduce you. My friends tell me it’s amazing that I can eat every thing in moderation. Would you believe that my total junk food intake for this year can only fill a small bag of Lay’s and my total soda intake is approximately just one liter?
  12. Brother. He’s too good in cracking me up. I always look forward to weekends; I can only see my brother during weekends because he lives in an apartment near school and only goes home during weekends. I hate it when he spends weekends doing school requirements. I know I’m clingy but I really just want to spend more time with him. He’s really fun and cool and smart. (How many times did I say “weekends”?)
  13. People who walked out of my life. I appreciate them volunteering to leave. Saved me from the effort of discovering how much I do not need them.
  14. Fats. They keep me warm.

Well, I guess that’s it. Can’t think! New year vibe excites me so much. Wishing you guys a more fruitful 2014!

Stop looking for love.

I hear a lot of people say, “I’m looking for love” or “I still haven’t found the right one.” Smarter people say, “I am waiting for the right one.” For a long time, I believed that the latter is a better principle when it comes to love and relationships. I don’t really have a good rationale why I think waiting is better than looking. It’s just that maybe a “perfect” love is something like serendipity.

But years of falling in and falling out of love made me realize that I really did not understand thoroughly this whole love and relationship thing. Yes, I didn’t look for it. Since I waited and didn’t look for it, it led me into thinking that he must be the right one. Fell in. Went into euphoria. Something bad happened. Fell out. This cycle went on thrice before I realized that I am doing something wrong. The thing is I wasn’t ready when those guys came. I wasn’t the best version of myself yet. Pondering, I came up to a “new” principle; people (or at least I) should stop looking for love and stop waiting for the right one.

Most people say they’re looking for love because they need someone who will complete them, someone who will give them the other half of their heart, someone who will fill the spaces between their fingers. While some people say they’re waiting for the right one because of whatever reason they may think of — maybe relying it all on fate or serendipity. They’re wrong. Wrong because love is not something that is “found”. It is something that is innate. It’s within you. You just have to nourish it. We must all learn how to love ourselves first before having a partner. Love yourself so you can give genuine love. How can you give something you don’t have? You must not look for someone who will complete you because you are already complete. And if you don’t feel complete, don’t dare look for someone who will complete you. What if one day this person who you love and who has “completed” you decides to walk away? What happens to you? I’ll tell you: you’ll be hurt and you’ll be devastated; maybe even more devastated compared to who you were before you met that person. Would you want that? Protect your heart. Isn’t it better to write a marriage vow that says you have found someone who compliments you? You know, someone who makes you feel better but you can live without. Anyway, a marriage vow is not only for your future partner in life; it is also for your parents. Make them proud by showing them that they have raised you as someone who is strong and independent. Spare them the regret of giving you their blessing for stepping into another stage of your life. Saying you can’t live without the other is either of these two: you just want to sound sweet and absolutely in love or you’re just plain stupid. If you don’t feel complete or you don’t feel good about yourself or you don’t love yourself completely, then you might not be ready to go into a relationship. You should not wait for the right one; you should make yourself the right one. Be the best version of yourself; everything else will follow.

You never let me fall.

As what number fifty-three says, I don’t usually show my parents how much I love them. They always see me as someone who’s stone-hearted maybe because I just really am or maybe because I’m afraid showing the soft side of me will make me appear weak in their eyes.

One day on my way to work, Celine Dion’s Because You Loved Me was being played on the radio. I’m not a fan of Celine Dion but due to boredom, I intentionally listened to the song, digesting every word as it is sung. To my surprise, I found myself teary-eyed (Actually, I was about to cry but I realized I’m in a public utility vehicle!) and thinking of my parents.

If I could just sing well, I will dedicate this song to my parents. I have said in my previous post that my parents are very supportive of me. I may have to edit that post because my parents do not support my lovely singing voice. Oh, if you could just hear how good I am at singing! Not.

For all those times you stood by me

For all the truth that you made me see

For all the joy you brought to my life

For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true

For all the love I found in you

I’ll be forever thankful, baby
You’re the one who held me up

Never let me fall

You’re the one who saw me through

Through it all
You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn’t speak

You were my eyes when I couldn’t see

You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach

You gave me faith ’cause you believed

I’m everything I am

Because you loved me, ooh, baby
You gave me wings and made me fly

You touched my hand I could touch the sky

I lost my faith, you gave it back to me

You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall

I had your love, I had it all

I’m grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe, I don’t know that much

But I know this much is true

I was blessed because

I was loved by you
You were always there for me, the tender wind that carried me

The light in the dark shining your love into my life

You’ve been my inspiration through the lies you were the truth

I’m everything I am

Because you loved me

I don’t know if my parents will be able to read this because I don’t have plans of sharing this to their Facebook wall. I’m not also sure if I want this post to be read by them because.. uh.. I don’t know. I’m ambivalent.

If there’s any chance that my parents will be reading this, “Hey Mom! Hey Dad! I love you! More than you’ll ever know.”