On the Other Side of Fear

Hi. After a long time, it’s me again. I haven’t been really active this year as my last post was six months ago. I wasn’t able to write anything for half a year! That’s sad. I don’t really know why I didn’t write as much as I did the previous years. Maybe I’m a little too busy or maybe I’m not motivated or maybe I’m just making excuses.

Anyway, as a blog tradition, I’m posting an end-of-year-slash-kick-off post. Yeah; you read that right — just like parties. *wink* I ended 2012 with a to-do list and 2013 with a gratitude list. This year’s will be a usual paragraph-style post.

2014 has been a roller coaster of emotions and events for me — starting the year with my mom in the hospital, discovering how fast her illness has progressed, getting interviewed and hired for a new job, meeting new friends, creating new connections, falling in love, reuniting with my best friendstravelling, receiving a really nice end-of-year performance rating at work, getting lost and broken and lost again, and dealing with the ever-so-shitty quarter life crisis. It’s quite a jam-packed year.

I did a lot of things — old and new — but I still feel the lack of contentment and happiness. Pondering through the last two weeks of the year, I realized I’m doing something wrong. I started building my world (again) in the most comfortable place possible. I worked in the depths of my comfort zone, and when that comfort zone started to fall apart, I did all the efforts (actually still doing) to keep it standing. Instead of trying to walk on my own, I clung to my comfort zone too much that it started breaking me and making me lose myself. You can go ahead and give me a nuchal blow, but (sigh) I did it because I’m scared. I’m too scared to lose whatever I have because for me, that’s the best I’ve ever had so far.

As my brain is floating on a not so good space, making me feel lost in the past few weeks, I had to converse with someone whom I know has a broader perspective of things. This friend of mine’s too consistent in helping me understand what I’m going through and what stupid things I’m doing to keep up with these really adverse events (Oops. That sounded a little too serious). I’m too hard-headed that my mind repels what this friend’s saying, but this friend… This friend is right. Everything that I want, and need in this context, is right outside my broken, messed up and bullshit comfort zone. Everything is on the other side of fear.

I know this is (or will be) a life-changing realization, but I have yet to accept and to prepare myself for this huge step. It isn’t easy, but I will try my best for I am damn tired of crying and of hurting and of always being on the losing end. (Or am I really?)

May this year be a really better year for me and for everyone who’s with me right now, reading this post. Happy 2015, dear reader!

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