How do I escape the labyrinth?

What you must know about me is that I’m a deeply unhappy person. — Alaska Young (Looking for Alaska, John Green)

The past six years has been an endless chase between ending up as a complete mess and moving on and getting a life.

Whenever people ask me, “Are you happy?” I will answer, “Of course I am!” But digging into the depths of my emotions, I believe I am not genuinely happy. From all the failures I had experienced and from all the sufferings I’ve been through, I guess I have never really moved on.

I was raised from a family that doesn’t allow showcasing of weakness. My mom always tells me, “A day or two is enough. Okay, maximum of one week. After that, you should get up and act fine.” While my father says, “Failure is not equivalent to end of life. A week of depression is enough. A better future is waiting for you.” My parents have been very supportive of me since day one. They’ve been there for me through ups and downs. They celebrate with me and they cry  with me. While a celebration lasts as long as they would want to make it last, obvious grieving lasts only for a day. It always feels like, “That’s okay. Now pick yourself up and move on. You should be perfectly fine tomorrow.” Yes, they’re right. Life doesn’t end there but grieving is a process — a process that should never be hastened for it will yield poor results. With the kind of environment I’m living in, I don’t have any choice but to master the art of suppression and denial. Result: suppression at its finest, denial at its best and a discreetly unhappy heart.

You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking how you’ll escape one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present. — Alaska Young (Looking for Alaska, John Green)

Whenever something unfortunate happens, I don’t deal with it as how it should be dealt. I usually bury it in the deepest corners of my brain and wait for it to fade away. While waiting for it to fade away, I deny its existence. I never really went into processing the negative emotion.

I want to get out of this cage but I feel weak. I’m not sure if I’m willing to vent this out to other people because 1. I don’t know to whom shall I vent this out because I know this topic is too exhausting to hear and 2. if I already have the right person, I don’t really know what I want to hear from him. Sigh. I don’t know anymore how to end this post. I’m out of words and I’m depressed.

Thinking if this one’s worth posting but.. well.. I’m posting it anyway.


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