- What happened?
I don’t think I have to narrate what happened in detail. Please continue reading. You might have an idea what actually happened.
- How are you?
I’ve been receiving this question almost everyday since…I forgot when. Up to this day, I have the same answer: “I am still not okay but I feel better than yesterday.” Whoever chose to be stuck in the painful past must really be stupid. I have been practicing stupidity quite a lot lately so I think it’s healthy for me if I lessen stupidity and actually start being wise.
I don’t know if something’s wrong with this question and… I don’t think I could answer this correctly. Anyway, I feel loved. I’m surrounded by a lot of people who truly love me and who truly care for me. I must be really lucky… or should I say blessed. Another answer could be “I feel ambivalent.” Well, you can also add, “I feel a roller coaster of emotions” to my list of answers.
- So what are you planning to do now?
Go on with my life and be a better person. Live my life to the fullest and enjoy what I have. Is there any other thing I could do better than that?
- Are you planning to take revenge?
No. Why would I? Revenge is such an evil word. I cannot do it. Now if you call “me being happy again” a kind of revenge then it is up to you. I will do it for myself without the intention of hurting anyone. Why consider it a revenge?
- How do you cope?
A lot of people told me to keep myself busy. It seemed to be a great idea but… Where do I go and what do I do after being busy? Oooops. I will think about every thing again. After realizing that, I came up with something better — doing things that make me happy. I read a lot of recipes. I’m actually getting better at cooking. *wink* I go out with my friends, eat a lot with them, watch movies with them… do a lot of things with them. And to have progress on my career, I went to different institutions and applied for work. Productive, eh?
- Are you happy?
Yes but I am not totally happy… Not yet. Ask me again tomorrow.
- Do you still love him?
I do not know if it is necessary for everyone who is reading this to know but whatever… I’m answering the question. Fearless response: Yes. Feelings — they are not like text messages you can delete anytime with no traces left. Feelings are more like installed computer programs; they go through a process first before you can delete them completely… or maybe not completely because they leave hidden files and folders and entries on your computer registry even after uninstalling them.
- Do you hate him?
I’d be a hypocrite if I’ll say no, I never hated him. At some point, yeah, I did hate him. But right now… at this very moment, I do not feel hatred in my heart. Hate is such a strong word and causes a lot of wrong decisions. Plus “hate” won’t help me become a better person. Instead, it would help me become a bitter one. My goal is to be better so I should let go of hatred and fill my heart with love and happiness.
- Are you… bitter?
No. I chose not to be bitter. I wouldn’t like to imprison myself in suffering. Actually, as I reminisce the good old days, I cannot help but smile. I can still feel the same feeling I had when those things took place. I have a lot of great memories to keep and I find it amazing because I could actually separate pain from happiness. Plus plus plus… he is included in my prayers. Yknow, praying for him to be happy.
- So… Would you like to have a relationship with him again?
What kind of relationship? Hmmm. This question is so premature but knowing the person I am, if he’s okay with it then there would be no problem with me.
- Are you dating someone right now?
No. There are those who asked me out. There was even a brave soul who asked me if he could court me. Well, I am not closing doors. I’m a hopeless romantic and I have the courage to trust love one more time and always one more time. But hey… I am not yet ready for that. Not now. As of the moment, I wanna date myself exclusively. Yknow, me time. As I have promised, I need to learn how to love myself again first before I love someone else. I cannot give what I do not have, right?
“Be cheerful; strive to be happy.”
Desiderata, Max Ehrmann